bait_backup | I feel like the shadows I don't even bother for anymore than that

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I feel like the shadows I don't even bother for anymore than that

*The week had been complete and utter shit.

On top of the attack and her subsequent confrontation with Snape, Lily couldn't help but feel a clawing sensation of guilt whenever she was around James. She still hasn't told him and, frankly, she wants to keep it that way. But a tiny part of her wished he knew, if only for his warm, familiar comfort and a shoulder to sob on.

She stares at James' back as they trek through St. James's Park, contemplating this inward battle.

Keeping him in the dark is winning.

She is simply unable to face the embarrassment or the shame. In a period of twenty four hours she managed to lie to him and break the cardinal rule of their relationship: no secrets. A fleeting feeling of nausea fills the pit of her stomach as she thinks about the mess she's managed to get herself into.

Biting her lip, Lily shifts Harry in the crook of her right arm and readjusts a massive baby bag on her left shoulder. A gust of nippy autumn air cuts through the grassy field. Her auburn tresses fly around her, tickling Harry's cheeks and causing him to blink rapidly. Lily places a small kiss on his forehead, nose nudging against the little maroon hat keeping his head warm. She smiles, spotting an imprint of her red lipstick on Harry's soft skin; she promptly makes a mental note to wipe it off once they get situated.

Lily slows down her pace, looking around her.*

This spot is good.

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*When he hears Lily stop behind him and pick a spot, James turns around, watching her juggle both the diaper bag and Harry. He takes a moment to decide which to relieve her of first, then reaches for the diaper bag, extricating it from her grip without jostling Harry too much.

It's a hell of a lot heavier than the kid.*

You're just anxious to put down all this luggage you packed. Dunno why you wouldn't let me carry it; all I've got are some blankets and this basket.

*Unable to resist, he passes a hand over Harry's soft dark hair, taking a moment to - surreptitiously, he hopes - get a better look at Lily's face. He's close enough to count the smattering of freckles on her cheek and, in a familiar habit, to brush away the strands of hair blowing across them. She almost, almost looks normal, but he wishes she'd tell him what's put that shadow in her eyes. Why she seems so distracted lately.

He's trying not to ask her outright; he reckons she needs space, or ... something. But he's not a patient sort of bloke. Maybe he's imagining it.

Clearing his throat, James pulls back so she won't notice he's fretting and puts on an easy smile, tapping a finger gently on their son's forehead before he starts to spread the blanket out.*

You've got to stop smearing that stuff on his face sometime before he starts school, you know. Kids are cruel.

*Lily moves Harry to her chest, his head resting against her shoulder. He's been incredibly quiet, eyes darting this way and that around the incredibly new location: they'd never been to the park before.*

Better to be over prepared than under.

*At James' quip about the lipstick, Lily clucks her tongue.*

Are you saying this from personal experience?

Over-prepared for what? Does the second leg of this picnic involve a pilgrimage I wasn't aware of?

*He winks at Harry. They've been over this more than a few times since he was born, but James still isn't tired of teasing her about it. Still, he has the grace to duck his head at Lily's reply about the lipstick.*

Er...well. *He busies himself with spreading out the food.*

Guess I walked into that one.

I can't go on a pilgrimage without trainers.

*Lily offers James a small smile and sits cross legged onto the blanket, placing Harry in her lap. His infant leggings are bunched up around his knees so she straightens them out. Harry makes an excited gurgling noise and bats his arms around.*

Well I see you're excited to be at the park, aren't you darling?

*She trails her fingers lightly over his tummy, causing him to smile and squirm.*

*Watching them together, James can't quite believe they're his. Ignoring the food for now, he leans over and traces Harry's tiny waving knuckle with his fingertip.*

He's so fascinated by everything. You'd think this park was the Pyramids or something.

*He laughs as Harry grabs onto his thumb and holds on tight.*

*Lily hums, gazing at James' trapped thumb.*

I'd like to visit the Pyramids one day.

*The boys make her heart ache, and as she watches them play she wonders—for the umpteenth time this week—what if her foolishness a week ago resulted her gruesome death? Before she can even stop herself, she speculates how would they manage. Would Harry miss her? Would he even remember her? She looks away from them, suddenly feeling numb, and grabs a roast beef sandwich wrapped in aluminium foil.*

We could. *James tickles his son and smiles.* I mean. Probably we should wait till Harry can, y'know -- walk, or recognise his own reflection, and stuff like that.

*Something in Lily's tone makes James lift his head to look at her. She's focused on her sandwich, and James hasn't got the faintest clue what to do with the lost look on her face.*

Red...

*He trails off, frowning as Harry gurgles from Lily's lap. She'd tell him, wouldn't she, if something were wrong?*

Something on your mind?

*Lily stares at the sandwich. She really made an effort to make sure it was delicious and grabbed a recipe from some posh cookbook she stumbled upon: baguette, leftover beef from last night's roast, horseradish mayonnaise, and rocket. She continues to look at it for several more seconds, as if the longer she goes on like this, James will conveniently forget his question.

She takes a bite, utilizing more valuable talking time, and shakes her head in response.*

*She's never this quiet, and it's this more than anything that makes James sure he's not imagining this... whatever it is.

He wants more than anything to press, but he knows her well enough to know she wouldn't respond well to pressure. And they don't keep things from each other, so he has to believe she'll tell him when she's ready.

He reaches into the basket for his own sandwich, more for something to do with his hands than anything else, and tries for lightness again.*

Nothing at all, eh? You, speechless... I feel like I should -- I dunno, record this moment, or take a picture. So the sprog can remember it when he's older.

*He flicks a finger down Harry's nose, trying to follow her lead and act like nothing's up.*

I've just had a lot of things on my mind, that's all.

*It's not a lie, but it's the biggest bloody understatement in the world. Her lips are downcast and her entire demeanour is not at all convincing.*

Kind of picked up on that part, yeah.

*James unwraps his sandwich and takes a massive mouthful of meat and bread and whatever spicy gourmet stuff Lily spread on it. It tastes pretty good, but he's not really in the mood to enjoy it.*

Well. *James pauses to swallow.* You know, if you're working too hard maybe you should take it easy for a while. It's only been a few months since Harry was born, and...

*He shrugs. Could be she's just stressed with all the organization planning.*

I could arrange to be home more too, for Harry. Or, if anyone's giving you trouble with the campaign, I could beat them up for you.

*He smiles a little, teasing.* I still know some pretty good hexes.

Would you mind hexing that cow Higgs for me?

*Lily manages to smile. She then grabs James' hand and weaves her fingers between his.*

I'd love it if you were home more, though. Honestly.

*And yet, she still finds it hard to not think about her attack and how he hasn't the slightest clue that it even happened every fucking time she looks at him. It wasn't right. It wasn't healthy to feel this way day in and day out, let alone in the middle of a park on a beautiful autumn day.*

I-I'm sure Harry would as well.

Sure, babe. *He sits up a little straighter and puffs up his chest a bit, playing up the macho boyfriend gag.

When she takes his hand, he relaxes and tangles his fingers with hers, happy and relieved to see her smiling.*

Yeah? Maybe I could juggle my hours a bit. Do more of my desk work at home.

*He doesn't know if the MLE would go for it, but he'll give it a shot. He notices Lily going distant again and scoots closer, leaning close and brushing his lips against her jaw.

Where does she keep going?*

Nah, Harry'd probably get sick of my ugly mug day in and day out. *James pulls back and peers at his son's face.* Although, everyone does say we sort of look alike...

*Lily's eyes flutter shut when she feels his lips against her skin, a broad smile brightening her expression. With extreme effort she pushes the dark thoughts out of her mind and distracts herself. She lifts Harry from his underarms and turns him around. He can hardly keep himself up but his knees don't buckle as quickly as they used to.*

Of course you two look alike. Well, except for the eyes of course. You both are very handsome.

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I feel like the shadows I don't even bother for anymore than that

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