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--- Note from the Editor: Dear Readers, Firstly, I’d like to say how pleased and surprised I was at the response to last issue. It seems as though entire parliaments of owls and bales and bales of letters were pouring in for days! While the reception to the shift in the Quibbler wasn’t entirely positive, I am truly gratified by the volume of comments, questions and tips and truly appreciate both your support and your criticism. This issue will explore the brutal powers the Ministry has seen fit to bestow upon itself. We will also go further into the shocking images the Quibbler printed last week, attempting to put a face to the barbarism the Ministry is capable of, that goes unreported, glossed over, or downright lauded in the Prophet. It might shock you, but I hope it will inform and inflame. Thanks for reading, Xenophiloius Lovegood The Quibbler, Editor-in-Chief ---

QUIBBLER CONTRIBUTOR MURDERED IN HER OWN HOME? THE TERRIFYING CONSEQUENCES OF A FREE PRESS Contributor: Xenophilius Lovegood You’ll recall our issue of April 23rd, in which investigative reporter Rita Skeeter contributed a shocking and opinionated expose on the sordid family life of the Minister of Magic--exposing the hypocrisy of a man who would presume to tell us how to conduct our personal lives while being categorically incapable of adequately handling his own. In truth I had my doubts about the article, but I believed then and believe now that the truth is more important than niceties, that it is the Quibbler’s responsibility to report what the Ministry mouthpiece the Daily Prophet refuses to. Neither Ms. Skeeter nor myself expected a warm reception or public accolades for this admittedly ugly piece, but even we couldn’t imagine what the consequences would be. The body of Rita Skeeter was found in her home on May the 14th after decomposing for nearly two weeks. The official report cites no marks on the body, “no sign of foul play”, but anyone who has heard of the Killing Curse knows that no sign is, in fact, a strong sign. We’ve all heard the rumors of a secret police force kept by Minister Crouch to eliminate enemies and exact personal revenges. How far-fetched is it that such a police force would be used to swiftly and silently eliminate a reporter whose quill pricked too deeply? You might argue that the article was a vicious smear against a tragically ill woman, an unnecessary focus placed on the personal life of a political figure. You might even be right. However, is murder an acceptable consequence to insult? An effective means for regulating a free press? If Minister Crouch doesn’t like what you say, should he have the right to kill you in your own home? Think of that the next time you open your mouth to complain. Remember, he’s always watching.

ALICE LONGBOTTOM: SUPERSTAR AUROR OR UNSTABLE THUG? YOU DECIDE WHO IS KEEPING YOU SAFE Contributor: Xenophilius Lovegood Famous Auror and public hero Alice Longbottom is universally lauded in the Daily Prophet as an upright Ministry crusader fighting to keep the wizarding public safe. However, the Quibbler has probed deeper into the life and career of Alice Longbottom, and what has been uncovered tells a darker story: of frequent and reckless use of Unforgiveables, of Ministry-sanctioned torture on civilian suspects--even, perhaps, murder. Furthermore, a closer look at her origins reveals an early and troubling instability, a penchant for violence well-suited to her choice of career. Alice was born in Corrie, Scotland into a family of creature dealers. This work kept them away from their only child, so she was raised largely by her uncle Algernon Hammond, known in Corrie for eccentric, even erratic behavior. If these distant parental figures offered a shaky support system, even that would soon be stripped away: in 1965, a dispute with with mermaids over hunting grounds turned violent and her mother was tragically killed-- Alice was only ten years old. A troubled and violent childhood followed. As her father descended into alcoholism and her home became less and less stable young Alice would be reprimanded for not only use of underage magic but, even more worryingly, an attack on Muggle children. But one’s history with Muggles doesn’t necessarily follow one to Hogwarts. There, among witches and wizards, it would seem that Alice found a bit of peace: she was not known among classmates for violent or unpredictable behavior and was accepted into Healer training after scoring superbly on her N.E.W.Ts. After a few years at St. Mungo’s, however, we see a career change: Alice left the ranks of the Healers and went instead to the Auror Office. Why such a shift, when she was apparently well-liked and highly-regarded as a Healer? Perhaps she thought her considerable talents could be put to better use. Perhaps she felt a higher calling considering the growing darkness in the world. Perhaps years of seeing the costs and casualties of You-Know-Who’s work firsthand awoke in Alice a desire for revenge. Alice rose through the ranks quickly, becoming a superstar of the Department. She racked up dozens of successful arrests, putting Dark wizard after Dark wizard behind bars. The means by which she achieved these arrests, however, are questionable--and there are, of course, those of them that never lived to see Azkaban. Her personnel file indicates an early willingness to use Unforgivables on fleeing suspects; her repertoire included the Killing Curse. The extensive list of suspects she maimed in the line of duty includes several deaths--one of whom was a young woman whose head was split nearly in half by a curse. Another, an elderly man, is cited in his autopsy report as sustaining no less than 74 broken bones. Ministry accolades, however, continued, and she is described in a performance review as a ‘model Auror’. Even more worryingly, the Quibbler has obtained proof that Alice Longbottom used the Cruciatus Curse on suspects in custody with full Ministry approval. One Clovis S*, a suspected Death Eater, was held without charges and tortured for information for hours by Alice Longbottom when his own arresting Auror refused to. Amateur potioneer and father of two Peter N* is another proven victim of Alice Longbottom’s “interrogation methods”: in custody he suffered not only the Cruciatus Curse but a broken leg as well. The official Ministry logs tell a gruesome tale of crying, pleading, vomiting, and what may be lasting neurological damage to each suspect--a far cry from the oath Alice took as a Healer. Her performance review for that time describes her as ‘professional’ and, sickeningly, “compassionate”. The Ministry regards the Cruciatus Curse as compassionate, torture of its citizens as professional, due process as a luxury, and human rights as something to be given or taken away based on suspicion alone. And Alice Longbottom is, by all rights, a Ministry hero. But the story becomes even more sinister. The Quibbler has reported before on Dolores Umbridge’s disastrous and appalling tenure at the DRCMC Being Division, comprising baseless arrests, brutal tortures and internment, and countless innocent deaths. During this time she requested a three-Auror unit from DMLE head Rufus Scrimgoeur--and who else to lead it but renowned Auror and accomplished torturer Alice Longbottom? It seems she was eager to join Umbridge’s goon squad, so eager that she voluntarily left maternity leave in order to do so. Perhaps motherhood had softened Alice’s violent nature, smoothed out her obvious instabilities. OR HAD IT? At first, it seems that Dolores Umbridge and Alice Longbottom were perfectly suited to one another. The DRCMC Being Division implemented what has been described by some as a “crackdown” and by others as a “series of small massacres”, in which Alice Longbottom likely took part. The Quibbler has, moreover, obtained proof that it was Alice’s arrests for the Being Division that led to exactly the brutal torture of werewolves that we’ve reported in the past: not only the Cruciatus Curse but methods both exotic and horrifyingly simple--simulated drowning, what are euphemistically referred to as ‘stress positions’, and horrific beatings. One victim had each individual bone in both hands broken--one would think it would take a Healer’s expertise to cause pain with such precision. The Quibbler has also proven that these clinical tortures were inflicted on not only innocent adults but children as well. And that’s where it seems that Alice’s love affair with the Being Division soured. Her Ministry personnel file, obtained for this publication by a concerned insider, indicates that Kissed or injured children are a “sensitive issue that presents a challenge to [her] objectivity”. Yet, Alice Longbottom was assigned the task of interviewing victims of Dementor attacks, many of them with Kissed children living at home. Furthermore, Dolores Umbridge’s goon squad is confirmed to have tortured children. How did these tasks affect Alice’s mental state? Her jacket and Ministry accolades indicate an Auror who is nothing if not utterly subordinate, and to whom torture and Ministry-sanctioned murder are more than familiar. Perhaps Alice obediently participated at first--but her soft spot for children, that ‘challenge to objectivity’, remained. Perhaps her horror--and her guilt--drove her beyond mental endurance. Perhaps being suspended for the first time in her illustrious career by Dolores Umbridge was the last straw. Perhaps, yet again, she simply snapped. As her time with the DRCMC went on, Alice’s behavior became more and more erratic. Colleagues describe her as frequently crying in the office. She was observed tearing up memos from Dolores Umbridge, and on one occasion erupting into screams and scratching at her desk. She picked up the habit of leaving work straight to the pub, leaving her infant son at home or in the care of his grandmother--a return, perhaps, to coping mechanisms and abandonment observed in her childhood. As Alice’s mental state deteriorated, threats against the Being Division head were heard around the office. Finally, the Daily Prophet reported Dolores Umbridge’s disappearance on April 18th. It is perhaps ironic, considering how many people Umbridge herself “disappeared”--but it is impossible to call a coincidence. Perhaps the culprit isn’t Death Eaters or mysterious kidnappers but someone on the inside? An unstable and angry drinker with a quick hand for Unforgiveable Curses? A well regarded and untouchable Auror with a long history of violence finally pushed too far? As of this writing Alice Longbottom has been reinstated to her position at the DMLE. She remains a favorite of the Ministry and a well-regarded Auror, conducting investigations and making arrests even now. Does this make you feel safe?

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT OR STAGED FRAME-UP? A CLOSER LOOK AT DAVEY GUDGEON AND WHAT THE MINISTER WILL DO TO WIN BACK YOUR APPROVAL Contributor: Xenophilius Lovegood The Prophet has reported on a shocking assassination attempt against Minister Crouch, and all the right elements are there: a known Muggle-born extremist, a Killing Curse, a swift escape, an ongoing investigation--it all adds up perfectly. OR DOES IT? Was this a genuine threat against the life of a government leader, or a brilliantly engineered bit of theatre in order to keep the public distracted and prop up Minister Crouch’s approval ratings? YOU DECIDE. But the facts are these: -Every acquaintance of Davey Gudgeon I interviewed described him as nonviolent: “a good bloke”, “rather sweet”, “shite at duelling”, “wouldn’t kill a Doxy”. -As a Muggle-Born Gudgeon wouldn’t be welcome among the ranks of You-Know-Who, which implies he acted alone. -Without Death Eater or other organized backing, how could a “shite at duelling”, nonviolent painter continue to evade Aurors for so long, not to mention Crouch’s rumored secret police? -The “altercation” described by the Prophet was an argument over restaurant seating. Why would a “shite at duelling”, nonviolent painter nurse this paltry grudge for months, culminating in an assassination attempt? -Has no one even considered the many ways an Auror could disguise him- or her-self as Gudgeon, not least of which are glamours and easily-obtainable Polyjuice Potion--to say nothing of Imperio? -More tellingly, how relevant is it that Minister Crouch’s approval rating has SKYROCKETED in the weeks since the attack? YOU DECIDE. --- The Quibbler welcomes your letters and submissions. Send anonymous tips, opinion pieces, whistleblowing, conspiracy theories, eyewitness accounts, and more to: Xenophilius Lovegood Editor-in-Chief, The Quibbler Rook House, Ottery St. Catchpole, Devon